Mind speak

ज़िन्दगी मुझको सताना छोड़ दे रूठी हुई है, बताना छोड़ दे मनाने के लिए सब्र है किस्मे? हसाने के लिए चाह है किस्मे? बदल गया है सब कुछ यहाँ पे  रेहे गया पीछे सब कुछ, तू छोड़ आई जहाँ पे बीत गयी जो, छूट गयी जो, बेहता पानी, ना हाथ आने वाला. पछतावे में उम्र सारा ना गुज़रे बदल जाए ना मंज्हर, बदले ना चेहरे तू चली जाए, दो दिनका रोना है जो गया सो गया, जो है ना उसको खोना है सास रही जब तक, तुझे है आगे चलना  थक के, हारके ही सही, तुझे फिर भी है संभलना

As I was watching tiny drops of rain fall down, I was thinking what does a free fall feel like. I know I can try bunjee jumping to get an answer. But that’s the point. What if I am not that adventurous or that courageous? If I were suddenly straddled to a rope and harness and pushed off a cliff I can imagine the sheer panic that would create.  I wonder what thoughts would flash my mind in that few seconds.  The rope could give away, I could get a heart attack and the adrenaline rush might stifle me.  But wouldn’t there also be something so liberating about it? The feeling of just falling or sinking into oblivion is inexplicable. I have been into that abyss many a times. I have dropped from heights, touched the bottom and risen again. The emotional tide that I often ride is no less an adventure. A heart that does not feel is like a dead ant. What use is an ant that does not run or scurry about?  Every time I flow along with the ebb, the fear is there, the emotions are immense. But

I don't belong here. This is not my home. These strangers are not my friends and family! The places look unfamiliar, the road unknown. Am I trying too hard to fit in or is it that I was not meant to be here in the first place? It's strange how things can change so much that it gets beyond recognition. Is the change within me or in the world outside? It's hard to tell. The truth however is that I am lost! I try to keep up with the pace but I guess I am too slow. People around me no longer bring comfort. I would rather spend a day all by myself, in my own company. Everyone is so busy being upset with you that no one realises you could be upset too. All of a sudden one stern word you said, one argument you had becomes your fault. It overrides the many arguments and rude words other may have often uttered. It's exhausting to always be the one to make the call, to always be the one to check on others. Who calls you when you need someone to talk? Who checks on you when you