Mind speak

As the sky outside gets overcast, my mind gathers clouds too! The gloom and sorrow of the outside world engulfs my mind as well. The mind is now a mix of anxiety, sorrow, doubts, excitement, worry and thoughts all blended into a bland, undecipherable melange. I see the clouds clear temporarily to give way to a welcome sun. I feel my mind clear a bit too to give way to optimism and hope. But then the dark skies are back and so is the buzz in my head. The rain plays hide and seek outside and logic, reasoning, clarity doing so inside!

Tears that flow freely on, Liberate me of my burdens. As they fall they take with them All that I do not want for myself They take it all away- The pain, the sorrow, the unpleasant. In those drops I feel dissolve Life's great disappointments, many shocks and blows They absolve me of my sins And rejuvenate to face what's in store. Tears are a way to break free From all that holds you back in chains. Let them flow, I would say For I am not ashamed for them to show. I am not scared of being judged, Nor of insensitivity and pity!

As I was watching tiny drops of rain fall down, I was thinking what does a free fall feel like. I know I can try bunjee jumping to get an answer. But that’s the point. What if I am not that adventurous or that courageous? If I were suddenly straddled to a rope and harness and pushed off a cliff I can imagine the sheer panic that would create.  I wonder what thoughts would flash my mind in that few seconds.  The rope could give away, I could get a heart attack and the adrenaline rush might stifle me.  But wouldn’t there also be something so liberating about it? The feeling of just falling or sinking into oblivion is inexplicable. I have been into that abyss many a times. I have dropped from heights, touched the bottom and risen again. The emotional tide that I often ride is no less an adventure. A heart that does not feel is like a dead ant. What use is an ant that does not run or scurry about?  Every time I flow along with the ebb, the fear is there, the emotio...

I don't belong here. This is not my home. These strangers are not my friends and family! The places look unfamiliar, the road unknown. Am I trying too hard to fit in or is it that I was not meant to be here in the first place? It's strange how things can change so much that it gets beyond recognition. Is the change within me or in the world outside? It's hard to tell. The truth however is that I am lost! I try to keep up with the pace but I guess I am too slow. People around me no longer bring comfort. I would rather spend a day all by myself, in my own company. Everyone is so busy being upset with you that no one realises you could be upset too. All of a sudden one stern word you said, one argument you had becomes your fault. It overrides the many arguments and rude words other may have often uttered. It's exhausting to always be the one to make the call, to always be the one to check on others. Who calls you when you need someone to talk? Who checks on you when you ...

Loneliness is such a familiar feeling. You don't need to be in a crowd to feel lost. You can be all alone and feel totally lost. Trying to catch up with people, trying to be a part of everything around you, is that always possible? Feels like almost always that never happens! A very close friend told me the reason why one may not be asked to be a part of things around is because they might be intimidating to others. Could be true. But I feel it's just the way of the world. Nobody has the time to give you extra attention. You either jump into the thick of things or get left out. Those who take time to open up may miss the train. The strong survive with this bitter feeling and learn to be their own friend and walk on. The weak give up, feel miserable and perish! Society is so unfair. Who gives it the right to judge others anyway? For that matter no one is so perfect that they can judge another. But then again, society is full of such people who are so full of themselves that they...

What is hope? It's the fresh air that breezes past on a gloomy day. It's the drops of rain that cleanse the soul. It's the birth of a child promising new life. It's the sunrise orange that paints the early morning sky. It's the smile of contentment on the face of a dying person. It's the warm hug from a loved one. It's the hand that reaches out to you in the dark to guide the way. It's God answering all your prayers in his signature style. It's a hen tied to a rope, waiting to be slaughtered but not giving up on the struggle to live. It's the trust with which you dive from the sky knowing the rope will not give in. It's saying "I will see you around" or "Talk to you in the morning". It's saving a piece of the cake to eat the next day. It's grabbing a tiny piece of rock to climb ahead, the mighty mountain.

I have often had to deal with uncomfortable situations of being left out, be it on the family, professional or friends front. It's a miserable feeling to not be asked to join a group of friends when they plan to go out, to be excluded from nice family get togethers , to not be a part of office gossip. Leaves me wondering if people perceive me as not trustworthy, uncool or just prefer not having me as a part of all the fun and togetherness. Whatever the reason such occasions have taught me a lot- to be self sufficient, to be my own best friend, to take things in a good stride, to accept the fact that I cannot be a part of everything everyone does. Once the acceptance comes, the pain from all the rejection and indifference of others gets more and more tolerable. The hurt remains but the bright side is that it prepares you for life.

It happens a lot. That uneasy feeling. An intense feeling of pain. No it's not physical pain that I am talking about. It's emotional. Having delivered a child and having undergone a surgery for a rather painful fracture requiring insertion of steel plates in my leg, I feel that the pain from these is nothing. For they heal with time. Human body can bear this pain and survive. But can the human heart bear the pain from an emotional encounter and survive? Strangely yes! Survival is more biological. What effect does it have on the internal mind? When emotionally drained, doesn't one feel like a vegetable? You go numb. You are breathing, you are doing your work, you are being you, but something inside is not responding.It's like that thing has been stabbed and stunned. Have you ever felt this pain- like a thousand needles being pierced and at the same time a gut wrenching shout being stiffled into a silent sob. A sob that no one will hear, no one will notice. If a person ...

It's so sad when you lose touch. Strange are the ways of life. You make friends, develop a bond that changes you for good, get to know a person who understands you better than yourself and then it's all gone. Just like that. I sometimes feel that I am so obsessed with myself. What I mean is I am so involved in my life, my family, my work that I don't even realize I missed out on so many things that I so cherish, that I so love. There is nothing more morose than when you realize that you lost out on a close friend. It's not everyday that you find a friend who understands you so well, who laughs and cries with you, who feels that you are fun to be with, who looks forward to spending time with you. But then circumstances change I guess, people change, their choices and preferences change. From being everything you can go to being nothing. When you see the same person mention about another friend who means a lot to them you can't help but feel a prick inside! I could ha...

Is it good to vent out your thoughts? Is it good to vent out your anger, your frustration and other such overpowering emotions? For me it's always never worked at the first instance. What I am mean is, the first time I let it out, it just vanishes into thin air, it disappears- like would an echo in the woods or a stone thrown in the river. They both create a tiny ripple that has no purpose, no sustainability, only to end in nothingness. Does it happen to everyone? How many of us are fortunate to have our emotions acknowledged? To be made to feel that it's OK to be insane once in a while? I think it works like a pressure cooker. The pressure goes on building until it's time to let out the steam. So also with me. I say it once, I try saying it again and then I just explode. Waiting to be heard, waiting to be told I am not alone. Do punching bags and stress busters really work? Can you get so angry that all the heat from it melts you into tears? I have seen that happen to me. ...